Saturday, December 24, 2011

Marriage problems

Like any textbook you read about marriage, I'd like to claim that every couple has their own problems. Normally, problems occur based on environmental factors and attitudes, so each couple may undergo different major marriage problems from the other. However, one problem may intersect with another, especially if the particular problem is not solved properly….

Some couples have problems with their financial. Like mentioned in my previous entry, financial issue, if not being properly managed, can lead to marriage issue. And I’ve heard many stories (and watched many movies) showing the effect of financial problems to a marriage.

 Some couples experience intimacy problems. Either one party feels overburdened, unappreciated and unheard, or the other party has problem to manage supremacy. In depth, believe it or not, sexual intercourse is among the top that contribute to marriage problem. I’m not sure about other races, but we Malay often feel very hard to talk about sexual intercourse. It is like a taboo to disclose this issue, let alone to share problems or doubt, even for improvement purposes.

After a long journey of marriage, some people may feel tired or sick of their spouse. Everything seems overdramatic. What used to be important is no longer seems important.  On the other hand, some couples always fight over the demand of more time they should’ve spent together. Strange but truth, often the little time they have together is spent for fighting and quarrel of how much more time they need.  

Some people have problems with the in laws. Amongst all problems could arise in marriage, this one is the most wretched! How pity when marriage ought to unite people does the opposite. I’m neither pointing finger to the mother, nor to the child (often happen to daughter) in law. I just feel so sad at this kind of situation because it involves many parties, not just the husband and wife, thus makes this problem more complicated than the other, and may be the hardest to solve. I really hope we are exempted from this kind of situation.

Some may have problems with their distance. It’s a norm nowadays that young married couples practice long distant relationship (LDR), and the most well known reason is because of career.  Some people that I know object to this kind of relationship for whatever reason may be, you know, like they say, what’s the point of marriage if you can’t be together? My hubby dislike this kind of impractical relationship (according to him), because of many factual reasons, but I think the most underlying reason is that he can’t bear to be apart from me, but so sad we will be among those couples who have to deal with LDR for the next few months.

I was once really against this long-distant relationship because it’s very hard to maintain a good relationship in such a way. Lack of intimacy, lack of information and connection, lack of communication, lack of sharing… All can pilot too many misunderstandings. And misunderstanding is no good in marriage. (Bear in mind, this is about marriage, not pre-marriage relationship)

But truth is, distant is not the main problem. What’s the point of having someone in front of you but is not really with you? What’s the point of existence if it’s merely physical? Now, I’m getting to understand how some people can bear long distant relationship… (Still will be my last resort).

For whatever reason of the problems, there must be solutions. It is just the matter of how we’re gonna find for the solutions, as a team, for the sake of the marriage itself.

I am not a marriage expert, as I myself experience many problems through our marriage journey.  I have to admit our marriage problems mostly involve our time as a family. As many of my friends can enjoy daily routine with their spouse, we’re lack in this…

But one thing I am sure, communication is very important. Without good communication, no matter how close you are with each other, problems can’t be solved properly. The indication may vary to each couple. You may fight the whole night, wailing like crazy, or maybe sit together for hours, whichever suit you, but the whole objective is to make sure everybody is being heard, respected and at the end, the problems can be solved. If you still have barrier, maybe a kind of hidden shield that avoid you from being vocal, there’s always other options. You can write letter, email, sms, or maybe leave a voice mail? Anything, as long as you create a healthy communication out of it. Avoiding problems isn’t a good choice, and it could even make thing worse for the long run.

I’ve learnt a lot about marriage and family my entire life. I’ve seen various cases. The best conclusion I could make is, if there’s will, there’s way. You may face the oddest kind of problem in your marriage but hey, it’s your marriage, so it’s up to you whether or not you want to make it work.

And always be thankful for what we have. Muhasabah is the best thing we should do, so that we know what to improve and to remove. We can be the reflection to each other, reminding each other to be a better person…  Yes if you’re married, you knew that we can expect repetition of quarrels. Perhaps the exact same things will reappear for the next ten years. But take it positively. We feel exhausted and annoyed, but maybe that could be our reminders to stay being good. Otherwise, that is our identity of who we really are as a couple!  :P

Oh I read this one article in SuhaibWebb regarding problem in marriage due to distance. Heh heh... This website has column for relationship, and it's very amazing. Please click here to go to the story. 

*the broken egg was taken from here 
* the secret jar was taken from here

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