وَعَسَى أَن تَكْرَهُواْ شَيْئًا وَهُوَ خَيْرٌ لَّكُمْ وَعَسَى أَن تُحِبُّواْ شَيْئًا وَهُوَ شَرٌّ لَّكُمْ وَاللّهُ يَعْلَمُ وَأَنتُمْ لاَ تَعْلَمُونَ
But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not (Al-Baqarah, 2:216)
I love this verse! Isn't it a cool quote?
Well, this ayah is actually explaining about war and jihad. But without taking the meaning of this beautiful verse out of context, we can still take it as a general reminder in our daily life, don't you think so?
Like when we are given 2 choices in life, but we just have to choose one, especially when we end up with the less favorable one.
Or perhaps when we are not given any choice at all, but to just accept whatever is in front of us, whether we like it or not.
Just like what is happening to us right now, where we're being tested with grief and loss.
Inalillahi wa inna 'ilaihi roji'un...
From the LMP, I was supposed to be around 13 weeks/3+ months pregnant, which I just past my 1st trimester.
But since I am using a mobile app. called FLO, I think I might be approx. 2 weeks late from my LMP, which means I might be around 11 weeks pregnant. Subhanallah, that means, I got conceived during my infertile day, only a few days before my next cycle! "KUN FA YA KUN"
However, it is difficult to tell because according to our previous check up, my pregnancy was just about 6 weeks old (which it couldn't be. I know so.... we were in London at that time. No way. Just no way.. ha ha ha)
So we concluded that maybe, just maybe, the baby had stop growing during its 6 weeks. Only that it didn't flush itself out naturally, and my body was still supporting the pregnancy all the way (I'll explain later on this) - This is called missed abortion.
Our first maternal check up was on 27th NOV 2016. The doctor did an intervaginal scan and discovered a small empty sac in the uterus. That's all. But at least I knew I was Pregnant.
Second check up was 2 weeks later (11th Dec). There was something like a round shape in the sac, a fetus, as verified by the O&G. According to the LMP, I was supposed to be 11 weeks pregnant, but from the scan, it was just about 6 weeks. Obviously there was growth in the sac as compared to the previous scan. But ironically, the growth wasn't proportional to the LMP by huge interval. Another problem: we couldn't detect the heart beat.
"We just wait and see.... I am not sure what kind of pregnancy I am dealing with" - O&G.
The words that I will remember for as long as I think I would!
The next day (Mon, 12th Dec) I started to bleed in my pants. At first I thought it was an after effect of the intervaginal scan. The next day (Tue, 13/12), I was still bleeding. Lesser, but then a brownish discharge took over. I was terrified but Anuar was going back to Malaysia that night. He wanted to cancel the trip but of course I said DON'T...
I thought the bleeding would stop. I was wrong.
I continue to 'bleed', but this time just a brownish discharge. I was contemplating whether or not to make any appoinment. I seek consult from a few doctor friends. Since it was a brownish discharge, they said don't worry too much, have rest! just please have rest! bed rest if I can! and please go to the hospital and get myself checked if there's anything that concerns me.
Unfortunately, I started to bleed fresh blood on the 17th night. On the 18th, I tried to make an appoinment with my O&G, but she's full. I ended up with another O&G on Tue (20 th), though I'd had my next appoinment with my O&G on the 22 (Thu).
Anuar arrived on Tue morning (2 am). We went to my O&G clinic at around 11.40 am and got to see her at 2pm, walked-in. She was full that day and she was a bit upset with us because she had to catch up with a LCS case at 2! (I cancelled the other O&G due to some reasons, but mainly because I had a feeling that something was not right, so it'd be easier to refer to the one who already know your history)...
And that was when we confirmed that the baby was gone, like officially gone.
I was bleeding fresh blood, the fetus got no heart beat (Still) and the round shape in the sac was shrinking.
The next day (21/12/2016) I was admitted to the hospital and was ordered to do D&C.... How did I feel? Like my post in my IG.
|Yes. I learnt that losing a baby, even when your are a mother of 3, is still losing a baby. And a missed abortion is still a loss. and the feeling is still.....|
D&C was a whole new experience to me. I went to the OT, got myself an LA (spinal anaesthetic), had to lay on bed for the next 8 hours post-surgery, fasting, peed in my bed (because they didn't put a catheter on me!) and yeah...
It was hurt. I was hurt, physically and emotionally. But Alhamdulillah, I am fine.
Now that I think about it, I've experienced the beginning of motherhood for each child in some sort of way... And what more to raise them, each of them with different characters and strategies (^_^')
-ELCS (elective c section) - Aaron;
-An induced normal birth with the help of systemic pain relief AND post-delivery complication - Saraa;
-A normal-gentle birth (minimal medical intervention i.e, VE and AROM only, no pain relief)- Eve.
-D&C -(supposed to be) baby no. 4... with an anaesthetic that kinda react a lil slow in my body, hence, I felt an intense pain, I felt the suction, the cramp, the intense pain!
-I had previous miscarriage with just a natural flush out also.
And now, I am fine. Alhamdulillah.
My uterus is taking its time to heal completely (pain is becoming lesser, womb is not swollen anymore). However, the spinal injection site is still hurt (bruising maybe), and I am suffering back pain in various places (the effect of anesthetic, plus I'd had an epidural 6 years ago, and yes, aging factor, I knowwwww).
Two things that I'd never expect to happen
1) you know some women will have difficulty to BO after delivery, Yes, I kind of having a hard BO (almost constipation), surprisingly, even though technically I didn't really deliver the baby. Maybe because I still had the cramp/contractions especially during the D&C process itself.
2) I am producing milk and I got engorged - - -, hurt!!!! this is even more surprising because I thought I was just having a missed abortion! (but that also make sense cause missed abortion is a missed misscarriage - the body didn't recongnize that you are misscarriage, hence the placenta keeps on producing hormones.
Anyway, there are a lot of underlying stories I don't tell.
-About why I didn't straight away go and see the doctor.
-About how I actually had a sense that something wasn't right due to some symptoms i.e. I had bad pregnancy symptoms mostly sickness. I got that a few days after London trip and I even made a 'scene' in Bahrain Airport (That's where I suspect I was pregnant) but I suddenly didn't feel nausea. I thought this time the pregnancy would be different... and in some way, yes, it was different.
-Why I didn't get bed-rest as suggested and why I can't afford to have confinement post-incident.
-What had happened in between the event...
But it's OK. At least. I'm writing up the most important parts. On how I want it to be remembered.
And the most important part is, we are all fine. Alhamdulillah.
Aaron and Saraa have accepted the fact the we'd lost the baby. Saraa was crying when she knew about the news. It was hard and devastating to see her cry. The night after the surgery, she asked me where's the dead baby. She wanted to see it so badly and she cried when she knew she won't get to see the baby (maybe she imagine it like a fully developed baby)
Eve, well, she's still small to understand about loss, about death. Sometimes when we lay down side by side, she would rub my belly and say "Hi baby, Hi baby" and sometimes kiss (more to sloppy kiss) my belly. She did that even during the night before the surgery. That one last night with the baby in the belly. But I'm sure she'll be fine.
I learned that, dealing with loss, regardless of any kind, is a great emotional trial. Alhamdulillah, I am surrounded with good friends and families.
So yeah, that's all about it. Almost all. Haha.
I hope, this is one of the way Allah wipes my sins away. Ameen!