Say Goodbye to our baby NO.4 (missed abortion)

 وَعَسَى أَن تَكْرَهُواْ شَيْئًا وَهُوَ خَيْرٌ لَّكُمْ وَعَسَى أَن تُحِبُّواْ شَيْئًا وَهُوَ شَرٌّ لَّكُمْ وَاللّهُ يَعْلَمُ وَأَنتُمْ لاَ تَعْلَمُونَ 

But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not (Al-Baqarah, 2:216)

I love this verse! Isn't it a cool quote? 

Well, this ayah is actually explaining about war and jihad. But without taking the meaning of this beautiful verse out of context, we can still take it as a general reminder in our daily life, don't you think so? 

Like when we are given 2 choices in life, but we just have to choose one, especially when we end up with the less favorable one. 

Or perhaps when we are not given any choice at all, but to just accept whatever is in front of us, whether we like it or not.

Just like what is happening to us right now, where we're being tested with grief and loss.

Inalillahi wa inna 'ilaihi roji'un...

From the LMP, I was supposed to be around 13 weeks/3+ months pregnant, which I just past my 1st trimester.

But since I am using a mobile app. called FLO, I think I might be approx. 2 weeks late from my LMP, which means I might be around 11 weeks pregnant. Subhanallah, that means, I got conceived during my infertile day, only a few days before my next cycle! "KUN FA YA KUN"

However, it is difficult to tell because according to our previous check up, my pregnancy was just about 6 weeks old (which it couldn't be. I know so.... we were in London at that time. No way. Just no way.. ha ha ha)

So we concluded that maybe, just maybe, the baby had stop growing during its 6 weeks. Only that it didn't flush itself out naturally, and my body was still supporting the pregnancy all the way (I'll explain later on this) - This is called missed abortion.

Our first maternal check up was on 27th NOV 2016. The doctor did an intervaginal scan and discovered a small empty sac in the uterus. That's all. But at least I knew I was Pregnant. 

Second check up was 2 weeks later (11th Dec). There was something like a round shape in the sac, a fetus, as verified by the O&G. According to the LMP, I was supposed to be 11 weeks pregnant, but from the scan, it was just about 6 weeks. Obviously there was growth in the sac as compared to the previous scan. But ironically, the growth wasn't proportional to the LMP by huge interval. Another problem: we couldn't detect the heart beat. 

"We just wait and see.... I am not sure what kind of pregnancy I am dealing with" - O&G.

The words that I will remember for as long as I think I would!

The next day (Mon, 12th Dec) I started to bleed in my pants. At first I thought it was an after effect of the intervaginal scan. The next day (Tue, 13/12), I was still bleeding. Lesser, but then a brownish discharge took over. I was terrified but Anuar was going back to Malaysia that night. He wanted to cancel the trip but of course I said DON'T... 

I thought the bleeding would stop. I was wrong. 

I continue to 'bleed', but this time just a brownish discharge. I was contemplating whether or not to make any appoinment. I seek consult from a few doctor friends. Since it was a brownish discharge, they said don't worry too much, have rest! just please have rest! bed rest if I can! and please go to the hospital and get myself checked if there's anything that concerns me.

Unfortunately, I started to bleed fresh blood on the 17th night. On the 18th, I tried to make an appoinment with my O&G, but she's full. I ended up with another O&G on Tue (20 th), though I'd had my next appoinment with my O&G on the 22 (Thu). 

Anuar arrived on Tue morning (2 am). We went to my O&G clinic at around 11.40 am and got to see her at 2pm, walked-in. She was full that day and she was a bit upset with us because she had to catch up with a LCS case at 2! (I cancelled the other O&G due to some reasons, but mainly because I had a feeling that something was not right, so it'd be easier to refer to the one who already know your history)...

And that was when we confirmed that the baby was gone, like officially gone. 

I was bleeding fresh blood, the fetus got no heart beat (Still) and the round shape in the sac was shrinking.

The next day (21/12/2016) I was admitted to the hospital and was ordered to do D&C.... How did I feel? Like my post in my IG.

Yes. I learnt that losing a baby, even when your are a mother of 3, is still losing a baby. And a missed abortion is still a loss. and the feeling is still.....

D&C was a whole new experience to me. I went to the OT, got myself an LA (spinal anaesthetic), had to lay on bed for the next 8 hours post-surgery, fasting, peed in my bed (because they didn't put a catheter on me!) and yeah... 

It was hurt. I was hurt, physically and emotionally. But Alhamdulillah, I am fine. 

Now that I think about it, I've experienced the beginning of motherhood for each child in some sort of way... And what more to raise them, each of them with different characters and strategies (^_^')

-ELCS (elective c section) - Aaron; 

-An induced normal birth with the help of systemic pain relief AND post-delivery complication - Saraa;

-A normal-gentle birth (minimal medical intervention i.e, VE and AROM only, no pain relief)- Eve.

-D&C -(supposed to be) baby no. 4... with an anaesthetic that kinda react a lil slow in my body, hence, I felt an intense pain, I felt the suction, the cramp, the intense pain! 

-I had previous miscarriage with just a natural flush out also.

Subhanallah! 

And now, I am fine. Alhamdulillah. 

My uterus is taking its time to heal completely (pain is becoming lesser, womb is not swollen anymore). However, the spinal injection site is still hurt (bruising maybe), and I am suffering back pain in various places (the effect of anesthetic, plus I'd had an epidural 6 years ago, and yes, aging factor, I knowwwww). 

Two things that I'd never expect to happen 

1) you know some women will have difficulty to BO after delivery, Yes, I kind of having a hard BO (almost constipation), surprisingly, even though technically I didn't really deliver the baby. Maybe because I still had the cramp/contractions especially during the D&C process itself. 

2) I am producing milk and I got engorged - - -, hurt!!!! this is even more surprising because I thought I was just having a missed abortion! (but that also make sense cause missed abortion is a missed misscarriage - the body didn't recongnize that you are misscarriage, hence the placenta keeps on producing hormones.

Anyway, there are a lot of underlying stories I don't tell. 

-About why I didn't straight away go and see the doctor.

-About how I actually had a sense that something wasn't right due to some symptoms i.e. I had bad pregnancy symptoms mostly sickness. I got that a few days after London trip and I even made a 'scene' in Bahrain Airport (That's where I suspect I was pregnant) but I suddenly didn't feel nausea. I thought this time the pregnancy would be different... and in some way, yes, it was different.

-Why I didn't get bed-rest as suggested and why I can't afford to have confinement post-incident.

-What had happened in between the event...

But it's OK. At least. I'm writing up the most important parts. On how I want it to be remembered. 

And the most important part is, we are all fine. Alhamdulillah.

Aaron and Saraa have accepted the fact the we'd lost the baby. Saraa was crying when she knew about the news. It was hard and devastating to see her cry. The night after the surgery, she asked me where's the dead baby. She wanted to see it so badly and she cried when she knew she won't get to see the baby (maybe she imagine it like a fully developed baby)

Eve, well, she's still small to understand about loss, about death. Sometimes when we lay down side by side, she would rub my belly and say "Hi baby, Hi baby" and sometimes kiss (more to sloppy kiss) my belly. She did that even during the night before the surgery. That one last night with the baby in the belly. But I'm sure she'll be fine. 

I learned that, dealing with loss, regardless of any kind, is a great emotional trial. Alhamdulillah, I am surrounded with good friends and families.

So yeah, that's all about it. Almost all. Haha. 

I hope, this is one of the way Allah wipes my sins away. Ameen!

My master journey: Among the hardest path I'd chosen (PART 3)

You can read  part 1 here and part 2 here

Only hubby and me. One more ticket for mom tapi dia asthma time ni. We sengaja tak allow sesiapa family member nak datang kalau takat tunggu2 luar sebab nak cepat. haha. Macam tanak konvo je kan.

I went back to Malaysia twice to settle my thesis and study. The first time was just after a few months in Oman, as soon as I finish my drafts for 2 chapters. I didn't take long Alhamdulillah after the hard head start. No choice but to go back to Malaysia to make discussions easier. I then decided to stay until I complete thesis submission.

Sounds nice, but of course the kids followed me. So basically I had to face the exact same thing i.e. a single mom, student, and a thousands miles away wife! But family members were always there to help. I can't thank them enough, really.

I submitted my whole thesis after 2-3 drafts for each chapters. Each one with different corrections from both supervisors. The most challenging part in this phase was always to find agreement between all parties. Hahaha. But that's one life lesson worth to keep. 

For all that I'd been through, I thought my thesis would end up as a piece of crap. How can I produce a Scientific Thesis with a quality like this? I can't imagine how screwed I'd be when my supervisors and all the examiners read my work. 

But Alhamdulillah, I passed with only minor corrections! the correction that I took about less than 3 weeks to amend. 

My baby, and a piece of notes I did during my early years of study. Still keep it.

So now, is the article publication part. UM has the requirement where a Master student must publish at least one article to ISI-listed journals only. And based on my labwork grant, I have to submit to either Q1 or Q2 listed jounals only. For those who's not familiar, scientific journals are divided between Quartile 1 until 4 based on its ranks and Impact Factors, with Q1 being the highest grade (I'm not sure other fields but this applies to most Science and science-related field).

So although I had already submitted my thesis and the internal and external examiners had let me pass, I can't straight away graduate until I have a publication. 

As stated in the regulation, I can't even get my thesis for correction before I send proof of paper acceptance. Since I took almost a year to get ONE publication (Hahaha too bad, not a bombastic research), my thesis was put on hold for that entire time. That's when I multitask ehem.. for another ehem... baby- Eve Hawwa! (^_^)

My supervisor's strategy was to target the Q1 journal first. 3 attempts and all failed, I begged to her to downgrade to Q2 to make my life less like hell. Haha. I promised her to look for a decent Impact Factor (IF) although it's a Q2 (politics mannn, haha. and It worked!). Alhamdulillah, the 4th attempt of paper submission, which was my 1st attempt of Q2 journal was successful. Not so bad huh. Not bad at all. 

Oh butttt... you have to wait for sometimes to get a reply (depending on the journal's prerequisite). It can take up to a month and can even reach half a year or more just for a journal's reply! 

So, I learnt the hard way. After the 2nd failure, I didn't just opt for journals that have good IF, but also how long it'd take to process your submission. Average waiting was 2-3 months for each trial, regardless of the result; accepted or rejected! From my experience, only one of them managed to reply within a month and half. So altogether, almost a year of just waiting for paper and nothing else. 

So for whoever had asked me why I still didn't graduate while I already did nothing (neither do the labwork nor writing my thesis, this is why) 

Another tips for Science student: Always try to submit your paper once you got your result done! 

That's why there's no last minute work dude!

You got your result, do discussion ASAP and you can try to submit a paper. You'd never know how long you'd take to get it accepted.

Mine, I got my paper accepted a week or two before I delivered Hawwa! It felt like I got two babies at once. Haha!

Paper tak best pon nak tepek jugakkkkk. Haha

I emailed my sv asking permission to hold it until I deliver. UM gave 3 months for final correction and since my correction was just minor she didn't worry much.

I flew to Malaysia when baby was around 40 days old. Again I brought my off-spring to be my companion in my jihad, but this time only one- the latest bundle of joy. The other two were left with dear husband. I knew the fact that I can't take a lot of time because husband can't take long leave. I made a dateline to make it maximum 3 weeks, and Alhamdulillah, after sleepless nights and days, we made it within 2 weeks’ time. But I had to wait again till end of the year to graduate (the ceremony). I don't care at all. You know, after all that you've been through, getting things done is the biggest relief.

What a sum up! Haha. ZzzZzzzzz.

So again, is it possible to study (especially the fields that require research and labworks) and being a mommy?

Of course! But please dedicate your time for your study, like what I said in Part 1.

And it doesn't have to take so long like my case. A lot of people (moms) out there have succeeded within the anticipated years. 

Difficult?

Everything we do has its own challenges. To be realistic, yes it's difficult. It takes a lot of courage and determination to do it.

But again, it is not impossible if you want it.

It is my destiny to have this path, to be tested stage by stage, from cutting scholarship before the agreeable due time, changing of research methodology after a year of research and labworks hence the wasted data, long distant relationship with husband, to having health issues. If my life was so easy, maybe I'd not be who I am right now. I may not appreciate hardships, I may not treasure 'Ilm (knowledge) as much as I do now. Indeed, Allah knows best.

I can't thank enough to the people who have helped me throughout the journey. They were indeed the reason I succeed, of course by the wills of Allah.

And I can't deny I had relinquished a lot of my parenting responsibilities along the time I'd taken to finish my study. That's why, in this particular event, Aaron is so special in my heart because he had sacrificed a lot for me. And now that I am a full time Rabbatul Bait, I am so happy to spend my whole time with my family. No regret, in fact, truly blessed! Alhamdulillah.

Carcosa Seri Negara

My Master Journey: Among the hardest path I'd chosen (PART 2)

If you haven't read part 1 yet, Please click here .

Convocation Ceremony, 2015

The early life in Oman was challenging. We were definitely happy to be together, but at the same time the pressure was more intense. So intense that it had affected me and my being. My small family had almost lost my cheerful part in me. The unsettled business was bothering my life!

I made a decision to stop my study half-way after 3 dormant months from thesis writing. I seek consult from my husband and my close labmates. All of them let me made my own decision but they were all a bit bias to wanting me to finish my study. "You were almost there! Just two more chapters to write!" that's what they usually said.

I then decided to just go with the flow. It was really, really hard at first because I need to get myself familiar with all the terms again, get back the writing rhythm etc. The hardest part was always to juggle between being a full time stay at home mom and studying.

Most of the time I read articles and writing up thesis in between chores, play time with Aaron and generally everything else. I even wrote thesis (typing) one hand while holding my baby girl with another hand to nurse her. It was slow and I almost got lost of idea half way. Haha. That time Aaron hadn't yet go to school so you know how hard it was with a 3 years old and a baby in the house. Whenever he demands attention, either one of us would get frustrated. He, because I didn't pay attention to him and just pretending like I was listening while obviously I wasn't, and me because I can't concentrate.

At the same time, I was tested with health problem. I had problem with my left hand, which was diagnosed as Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. I can't barely move my thumb, and can't even move my wrist without great pain! Sometimes my hand would have a 'traffic jam' as Aaron called it, a condition where my nerve suddenly felt stuck, like having a spasm or cramp, with a stiff pain that I normally can't stand but to scream or cry instantly. It got worse in the morning as that's the first thing I had to deal with the moment I woke up. It took me nearly a year to fully recover. So hmmm. And yeah, I am a lefty and I had a toddler and an 8 kg baby to take care of.

Maryam Saraa being my supervisor, checking on my work every seconds, haha

Alhamdulillah sometimes I had my sisters with me. My husband asked for their favors to facilitate my affairs. At least I can have one baby with me and Aaron can play with them. Although you know, kids will always want their mom when they know their mom is around. At least someone can help with simple chores like cooking or washing dishes and did the laundry. They were so helpful they didn't act like a guess and didn't just lock themselves up in the room and play phone all the time. They helped willingly not just based on their mood. In fact, I didn't even have to ask for help! Barakallahu feehunna.

Well, a piece of advice, especially for a MOTHER: PLEASE, if you want to study, please arrange a special time for yourself to study. Make it like an office hour like 9am to 5pm to just focus on studying, or at least half of that time, everyday!

You need that, trust me. In fact, that is your right as a student. You can have the rest of the other time in your 24 hours to be a mother, a wife, or whatever hat you have to put on.

I didn't have that privilege. So I had to have strategies.

Sounds very intelligent.

BUT...I honestly didn't really have any! Hahaha.
Except, just as what I have mentioned earlier. Only, normally on weekend (Thursday and Friday) nights, I would stay up all night to write, and only sleep a few hours after Fajr Prayer, or until my baby needs me.Why? Because my husband was not working on the weekends so at least he can take care of the kids while I took my nap.

That's how I did it. Not fancy at all. Hahaha.

OK. I'm getting too long now. 

Let's continue part 3 here .

My Master Journey: Among the hardest path I'd taken (PART 1)

Two of my sisters are graduating this month! Congratulations. Brakallahu lakuma.

Last year, my other sister and I shared the same graduation year of our Masters Degree. She's in education, I was in Science.

...A celebration I'd rather choose to ignore at first. If not because of my husband who insisted we went back home and attended the convocation, my plan was to go for a vacation nearby, within Muscat is fine, and celebrate it just the 5 of us. It seems not worth the money to just go back for a day event all the way from Oman. But he insisted, reason being, I had worked hard for it, and it had given tremendous impact on our small family- The obstacles, tears, and sweats, the sacrifices, etc.

But Allah had a better plan for us. My husband was given a task in Malaysia for a week, and my graduation day was happened to be on Saturday morning the same week. We flew back to Oman that Saturday night.

You know, I've been wanting to have a special post about my master journey. I've been dreaming to write about everything precious along the journey and mannn I've waited for so long!

Even if I have the highest education certificate the world can offer, I am still a mother and my kids are my priority. 

I've been asked a lot of time how was it possible to be studying and taking care of children, especially towards the end of my Master journey where we were miles away from my school and family and without a helper. All at once. How did I do that?

People around me either think that I am a supermom, or a pathetic (not so) young woman who's trying soooo hard to fulfill her dream (or just say finish what she has started long ago).

But Alhamdulillah, I had positive surroundings and good support. (I chose to stay around positive people actually. Truth hurts, I know)

To say that I had no helper at all is actually not precisely correct. Honestly, I could never in million years finish my study without the help of people around me, directly or indirectly, especially some of my labmates and my own family members. I took care of Aaron in his 1st six month. I took a semester break. His Onni took care of him after that during the time I had to go to school and did my labworks. In the weekends, my husband helped take care of him or all of us would have a party in my lab. And when I was in Oman, some friends helped with the admin stuffs. Ijah, if you read this, I want you to know that I owe you so much! Barakallahu feeki.

During school holidays my sisters will take turn to come over to our house in Shah Alam to play with Aaron and helped me with chores. Having them in the house had made our days (especially Aaron) brighter. At least some one can play with him while I was busy in my own journal-reading world.

During my second pregnancy, I was miles away from my husband for almost a year. Life got tougher without him especially when juggling between motherhood and student life. I had started writing my draft while still doing my labworks (few re-arrangements and last minute changes I can't avoid). And my pregnancy symptoms were really bad. Nevertheless, I still had to go to the lab in the days and stayed awake most of the nights for writing. I slept for about 3-4 hours most of the time. With that and my pregnancy condition, mannn I was over-exhausted.

During the first few months of my LDR with my husband, Aaron was in the phase of weaning off . It was hard, really hard until my dad tak sampai hati and a lot of time asking me to just abort the mission. He was around 2 years and half and I was around 4-5 months pregnant so like it or not, I had to go ahead. I was trying to potty train him as well and I just couldn't take the stress out of it, so I aborted the  potty train mission.

I managed to finish my labwork before I follow my husband to Oman, not long after I delivered Saraa. Husband went back to Oman after paternity leaves and I had to finish my final tasks before following him there. I had post-delivery complication that took me more than an average time to heal. But I did come to the lab for final works, meeting ups and discussions during my last period of confinement. Technically speaking, I didn't really pantang pon

But this time the challenge was harder because I had two children already. I had to be very strict with timing. No lunch break most of the time and straight away home after work. But you know labwork, sometimes it takes a solid 6 hours for just an experiment! And some even take days to get just a result. But yes I didn't go on everyday basis.

Maryam Saraa being my supervisor, checking on my work every seconds, haha

For Part 2, Please click here. Thank you! eceh! ^_^

Life as an expat in Muscat (Part 2)

During my early days staying here, I didn't know much about the life and culture of the Omanis, although we live in an area where I can consider as local area because 95% of our neighborhood are local people.

According to my husband, most of our neighbors are senior government servants, hence the laid-back and safe atmosphere. Although I don't know most of my neighbors (the wives mostly spend their time at home or work or outside with friends *you would only see housemaids running errands and escorting small kids to the playground* and some of them don't really speak English, and I am also an introvert that stays at home most of the time), but they are OK. Well, at least nobody has ever bothered us. 

Honestly, at first, I preferred to live in The Wave (about 10 mins driving from our house). It is a high-end residential area where most of the dwellers are expats (mostly the Westerners) and modern Arabs. I like the place not because of that, but because of its accessible facilities (Private beach, playgrounds, grocery store, gym, pools, and a lot of eateries all in one place). The only constraint is, of course, the budget. Haha. Sorry to reality, we are not that rich! (not yet, one day inshaAllah!). 

But then... I came to realize that, the kind of life I am having right now is actually the best for our family. 

2. A Relax place to raise kids

Yes, this is why. Here, I don't have to worry too much about my kids' safety. I can even let my 6 years old Aaron cross the road and buy stuff from the shop nearby all by himself if I want to, just like the local kids here (which I haven't try yet, and maybe not now, thank you. Hahaha) 

Basically, the environment here is similar to our childhood era (back in the late 80's or early 90's) where we were free to ride bicycle to our friends' houses, walked to the small shops nearby and happily play outdoor games with friends all day long and only went home at Maghrib time.

We have nearby playground with a very basic facility but enough to let the kids enjoy their afternoon. We have small stores across the street where I don't really buy stuff there but is surely handy whenever I suddenly realize that I ran out of eggs, or milk. (but I hate it when the kids especially Saraa crying for ice cream that she can just watch from the window to see whether the shop is already open).

Somewhere in 2015, our neighborhood. Photo taken from the window. A kampung environment, only no wooden houses here. Because, they don't built house using woods.

And the best part is, I loveeeeee to see the local boys with their dishdasha (man's traditional attire/dress/jubah) marching to the mosque in front of our house during every prayer time. They are as small as 5 or 6 to teen ages and they go there by themselves, without having to wait for their father. It is simply a pleasant scene for me. The number will increase during school holidays and Ramadhon. And even ramadhon, we will see cars filling up the side road even during Fajr and noon prayers. I learned that they can sometimes be really naughty. I saw once or twice they threw medium sized stones to each other as a game, on the way back from Solat. And yes they sometimes can be very harsh and loud!. But I love the fact that here, they teach the boys to go to mosque during prayer times, irregardless! And when Azaan Maghrib, they know to go home. It is just like a kampung life style, isn't it!

Actually, not all residential areas are like this. There are places similar to Damansara, Bangsar, etc, in terms of its convenience and density. I only refer specifically to our neighborhood. But overall, we Malaysians agreed that in general, the safety here is better than in Malaysia.

I guess I would never experience this if I stay in the expats' area. I am thankful to have this opportunity. It is a life lesson and indeed an experience worth to keep. But if my husband ever ask me again whether I want to move to The Wave or Madinat Qaboos and the likes, I would definitely say Yes! Hahaha. Well, at least I can learn something new over there right?!

                          
Overall, I am just thankful and grateful. Our house is still easily accessible to a lot of places: 3-5 mins to Muscat City Center Mall and hospital, 5-10 mins to Vegetables and Fruits Market that sells our favorite coconut juice, 10 mins to The Wave for eateries, 10 mins to beach, 15-20 mins to Wadi Al-Khoud (ala-ala river), nearby to the best mishqaq stall (traditional zanzibari skewers), 5 mins to Sahwa Park- a big public park with a lot of flowers and playgrounds and most importantly, only a few steps away to the mosque - rajin tak rajin je orang lelaki dalam rumah ni nak pergi! hihihi.

So well, this is the snippet of our life as an expat here. InshaAllah  in the next entries, I will share my insight about the Omanis and the Malaysians living here

On the way to our house. Big/main road to our residential area. Quiet kan? But during weekdays busy juga during peak hours

End of winter and beginning of summer, April 2016

Parenting Tips: Lesson from Surah Yusuff by Sheikh Sajid Umar (Part 2)

So this is the continuation of Parenting Tips: Lesson from Surah Yusuff (part 1)

#5. 3rd TIP from Surah Yusuf, 12:5: Teach your kids about tauhid

وَكَذٰلِكَ يَجتَبيكَ رَبُّكَ وَيُعَلِّمُكَ مِن تَأويلِ الأَحاديثِ وَيُتِمُّ نِعمَتَهُ عَلَيكَ وَعَلىٰ آلِ يَعقوبَ كَما أَتَمَّها عَلىٰ أَبَوَيكَ مِن قَبلُ إِبراهيمَ وَإِسحاقَ ۚ إِنَّ رَبَّكَ عَليمٌ حَكيمٌ

That is how your Lord will choose you, and teach you the interpretation of dreams,1 and complete His blessing upon you and upon the house of Jacob, just as He completed it earlier for your fathers, Abraham and Isaac. Your Lord is indeed all-knowing, all-wise.’

OK. Do you remember the life story of Prophet Yusuff from the day he received the dream until the day he was being reunited with his father and brothers? 

Do you remember the obstacles that Yusuf (AS) had to endure along his prophet-hood journey? 

Please read the translation of Surah Yusuff so that you will understand how is these 3 ayaahs (12: 4 - 6) relate to the whole surah, and relate to the best fundamental parenting tips we can benefit from, inshaa Allah.

In the meantime (to not make this post look unfinished, hehe) lets review the significance of this ayah.

إِنَّ رَبَّكَ عَليمٌ حَكيمٌ

Your Lord is indeed all-knowing, all-wise.’

This is the ayat about TAUHID, about Allah, the ayat that Prophet Ya'qub taught his son, the ayat that had built faith in Yusuff.

Short and simple word, BIG impact!

Yusuff was a small boy when he was abducted from his father. Now, imagine our small child at the age of 5, 6 or maybe 7. Imagine if someone kidnapped him/her, or bring him/her away from us. Nauzubillah min zalik. Yes, even to imagine, we simply can't!

But this is what had happened to Yusuff (AS)! 

But Yusuf had a proactive father that gave him wisdom even from a young age. Because of that,  by Allah's will, Yusuff survived the tests.

When he was all alone, in a dark, at the place where he thought nobody would know he was there, indeed. Allah knows! He is all-wise!

Then he was brought away from his country, a foreign land to him. He must had been scared, and his father didn't know where he was, how he was, and he was all alone, but no, he wasn't alone, for Allah was with him, and Allah is all-knowing!

When he was tested with an attempt of adultery, where nobody was around but only him and a woman who was willing to surrender everything for him, while he was a young man with desire, he chose to ran away. Indeed, he knew, Allah is all-knowing. Allah is 'Alim, Allah is Hakeem!

And then when he was imprisoned while he was innocent, yet nobody helped him and stood up for him. Did he feel despair and hopeless? Indeed, he knew that Allah knows, Allah is 'Alim, Allah is Hakeem!

Allahuakbar!

This, many audience broke into tears! 

Allah is so close to Yusuf's heart. He has strong faith in Allah.

And who taught him that? His father.

When? when he was just a small kid!

And what about us?

If we think our kids are still small to understand, and we don't make an effort to even try, how can we sure that when our kids are in their teen age; the age full of wonder, desire, and bravery, they are capable of restraining themselves from the tests? How can they have Allah in their heart?!

Yes, for some reasons the western researchers say that young kids should not be burden with too much info, heavy info, etc. (I just read about this a few days ago mashaAllah!). But what this surah teaches us is to not rebuke our kids' intellect. They are born in fitrah, and they can understand knowledge about tauhid. (Of course this is a story about two prophets, one as a father and another one as his son, and of course we can never be at par with them. But that is not the point. We just need to try and re-try. Make effort)

#6. The teaching of kind heart and forgiveness.

During the end of the story, Yusuff was reunited with his brothers and father. At that time, he was a minister in Egypt, his brothers came to him for protection. What did Yusuff do? 

Despite what they did to him around 50 years or so ago, he forgave them!

Yes, Yusuff forgave the men that abducted him and separated him from his beloved father and brother (Bunyamin).

Surah Yusuff, verse number 100. Yusuff (AS) said that Satan induced his brothers. He forgave his brothers, because he knew his brothers were under the influence of satan. He blame the satan.

Subhanallah!

Remember we talk earlier about effective communication?

Prophet Ya'qub told Yusuff about not telling his brothers about his dream because he afraid his sons will get jealous (under the influence of satan)

Now... even after 50 years, Yusuff (AS) still remember the teachings of his father.

Most of us remember Yusuff as a handsome man. That is what we've been taught since small. But little that we aware that he is not just a good looking man, but also a man with good heart. 

He held no grunge against his brothers, and other people that cause trouble in his life.
{So after this, please don't just tell story about Yusuf, the handsome prophet, was seduced by a woman. Tell the story until finish. There is more to learn about the life of Yusuff (AS)}

#7. Our children are our assets in the hereafter.
This statement is debatable but let just be positive. Sheikh talked about the famous hadeeth about 3 deeds that benefit us even after we die; 1) Our continuous/ongoing sadaqah (donation), 2) knowledge which is beneficial, 3) The prayers from our pious children (HR Muslim).

Guide our children the Islamic way. Teach them manners, and do not be overprotective towards small things (i.e. let our kids know about responsibilities, knowledge, etc). Let them make mistakes through learning while we are around so that we can correct them. If we are too afraid to see them make mistakes through life lessons, how can we correct them when they make mistakes while we are not around anymore?

Prepare our children to be among the pious mankind, and may we have the benefit through the prayers from our pious children when we are gone.

I am so sorry I am not a good narrator. I think  for a better understanding and knowledge, you can watch Sheikh Sjid Umar's lecture on Youtube. I am sure you can benefit more knowledge first handed.

As for me, even after almost a month attending this lecture, my heart throbs when I imagine how Sheikh delivered his speech. Very powerful, and emotional. And I realize, there are a lot for us (my husband and I) to improve.

May Allah give us wisdom to raise our children, and may we have sabr with us all the time :)

Parenting Tips: Lesson from Surah Yusuff, by Sheikh Sajid Umar (part 1)

Please feel tempted at this entry's tittle, because someone is trying to be an ustazah and start giving a lengthy lecture about parenting, please please! (Jerk. Haha). 

OK. For those who have no idea who this Sheikh is, you can read here. Basically, he is one of the Islamic speakers and lecturers in Al Kauthar Institute, an activist in Da'wah. Try to listen to one of his lecture in sha Allah you'll fall in love with the messages.

So a few weeks ago, he came to Oman and Alhamdulillah he was given a slot about Lessons from Surah Yusuf. I promised myself to share what I got with my husband, since he decided to take care of the kids while I was attending the lecture so that I can have full focus on the lecture. Barakallahu feek ya habibi, even I know this is one of your favorite sheikh. I consider that as my 'compulsory time-off' (which in sha Allah I'll write about this next time). And why I end up writing here is because my husband gives me a task to share this in public. I feel guilty to not accept his task considering his effort and sacrifice.... So please bare with this lengthy post and may we all benefit something from this. Ameennnn. 

#1. Sheikh started his lecture with the encouragement of attending 'majlis ilmu' (gathering for the remembrance of Allah). He recited a very powerful hadith from Sahih Muslim  as an eye (and heart) opener to motivate us all to keep busying ourselves attending this sort of gathering (or if not possible at least listen to lectures whenever we can). Note: It is the 36th hadith from the 40 hadeeth of Imam Nawawi - May Allah bless Xifu Nasser for his effort 10 years ago to make us memorize some hadith an easy and fun way!

Here is the hadeeth's translation:

On the authority of Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him), that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said:

Whoever removes a worldly grief from a believer, Allah will remove from him one of the griefs of the Day of Resurrection. And whoever alleviates the need of a needy person, Allah will alleviate his needs in this world and the Hereafter. Whoever shields [or hides the misdeeds of] a Muslim, Allah will shield him in this world and the Hereafter. And Allah will aid His slave so long as he aids his brother. And whoever follows a path to seek knowledge therein, Allah will make easy for him a path to Paradise. No people gather together in one of the Houses of Allah, reciting the Book of Allah and studying it among themselves, except that sakeenah (tranquility) descends upon them, and mercy envelops them, and the angels surround them, and Allah mentions them amongst those who are with Him. And whoever is slowed down by his actions, will not be hastened forward by his lineage.

[Muslim]

#2. Parenting starts before marriage! 

- Seek knowledge as much as we can, even when we are still single. 

- But it is never too late to start good parenting, and in fact, we have to always improve our parenting skills.

** Sheikh suggested us to have a thinking day!

 -i.e. A moment where we muhasabah ourselves so that we can keep ourselves in track, re-think, re-do and re-correct things that we have regretted along the journey. 

#3. 1st TIP from Surah Yusuf, 12: 4 - Intimate relationship between a father and his child 

إِذ قالَ يوسُفُ لِأَبيهِ يا أَبَتِ إِنّي رَأَيتُ أَحَدَ عَشَرَ كَوكَبًا وَالشَّمسَ وَالقَمَرَ رَأَيتُهُم لي ساجِدينَ

When Joseph said to his father, ‘Father! I saw eleven planets,1 and the sun and the moon: I saw them prostrating themselves before me.’

Allah doesn't start this story with 'Once upon a time'. Instead, He starts with this ayah above. A very straight forward story about a boy who always refer to his father whenever he's in dilemma: A boy who trusts his father and prefers his father more than anyone else!

Instead of going to his 11 brothers, or his peers similar his age, Yusuff (AS) went straight to his father after he got a very confusing dream. This shows how intimate this father-child relationship is. 

BE A GOOD FATHER AND INVOLVE IN YOUR CHILD'S LIFE!

COME WHAT MAY, YOU ARE YOUR CHILD'S HERO...

In this life, we have 2 roles, 

(1) mandatory role - Being a child, parent, mom, dad, etc

(2) elective role - us as a career person (doctor, cook, banker, teacher, etc), voluntary work, etc.

-DO NOT let your elective role overshadowing your mandatory role!

-You are the best teacher to your children.  Sheikh reminded us to NOT pass on our responsibility to others. Don't  just rely on school, society, strangers to be your kids' teacher.  

Children learn from us, parents. So set up good examples for them to follow.

For instance, in this ayah, Yusuf (AS) called his father يا ابت, which means my dearest dad (some technical arabic nahu/grammar with the ت behind the اب that indicates the softest, most honorable tittle). Because, when we read the next ayah, Prophet Ya'qub calls his son with the softest call, يا بنى (my dearest son). 

Respect and trust are earned. We want our children to respect us, we have to first show how respect is. And trough a fond relationship, inshaa Allah trust is earned too. 

#4. 2nd TIP from Surah Yusuf, 12:5 - Effective communication and respect your child's intelligence

قالَ يا بُنَيَّ لا تَقصُص رُؤياكَ عَلىٰ إِخوَتِكَ فَيَكيدوا لَكَ كَيدًا ۖ إِنَّ الشَّيطانَ لِلإِنسانِ عَدُوٌّ مُبينٌ

He said, ‘My son, do not recount your dream to your brothers, lest they should devise schemes against you. Satan is indeed man’s manifest enemy.

Prophet Yusuf (AS) was a small child (less than 7 yrs old according to mufassirin) when he had that dream. But prophet Ya'qub (AS) addressed the matter in a proper way albeit dealing with just a small boy. He kept his son informed with the right information in an effective way, even for the heavy topics e.g. about SATAN. You know why? 

Because Prophet Ya'qub didn't know how much time he had to be with his child. 

So do us. We are unsure of how much time we have with our children, right?! Why not start now. Teach our kids about Allah, tauhid, shaitan, shirk, etc.

We want to wait for the right timing but when is the right timing? Are we sure we have the future to give guidance to our children?

So perhaps, instead of waiting for the right timing, why don't we make the timing right. How? 

by effective communication!

We surely can learn effective communication from this ayah, mashaAllah! 

-to give command --> to explain --> to guide

Lets look into this ayah. First, Prophet Ya'qub commanded his son (do not tell your dream to your brothers). Then, he explained to his son the reason of his command (they will make plan against you). Next, he gave guidance to his son (shaitan is indeed man's manifest enemy). Our common mistake is, we tend to give order (command) but we don't explain, never mind to give guidance. 

HOW EFFECTIVE is his teaching?

Ahhaaa.... please read the 2nd part of this topic.
(I separate into 2 parts so that it doesn't look too long)

Assalamualaikum, a comeback entry?

Assalamu'alaikum wbt.

Last posting was 2 YEARS AGO can you believe it? Haha. (Actually what I couldn't believe is that I AM NOW updating my blog...Tadaaaa!)

Been missing blogging so much but no courage at all (and the truth is LAZY) to blog.

I know the fact that nobody really blog nowadays. C'mon, who has time to nagggggggggg nowadays? Everybody prefers tweeting and FBing. But for a person who always naggggggggg like me (oh so annoying ha that naggggggg thing. Stop it!), I think it is better for me to blog rather than nagging on FB and even instagram! (memang mak nenek insta pon caption bebel! haha)

NO. that is actually not the real issue. That was just a bad intro! The thing is.... urghhhh.... I think I need to blog to actually gratify myself. As much as it sounds so pathetic, I admit that sometimes, I lose myself. I lose my perspective. Been busy with the 3 angels and everything else, been sacrificing my social activities with friends and spending most of the time at home, oh I can be insane sometimes! Don't get me wrong, I am totally happy with my life. I am just stating the fact as a perfectly normal adult, sometimes we need other adults that can understand our language and rambles for our own sake. At least if I blog, I can pretend that I am talking to someone. Wei pathetic. haha. Husband must be smiling reading this, hopefully less nagggggging after this kan Sayang? haha.

And Oh, I forget very easily! Never mind about dates and days because that is so typical of me, but I don't really remember when was Eve's first crawl, or her first word, how much weight she (and the other 2) gains, and things like that. Psttt. I've even forgotten what I got for my last birthday! Maybe, I am just being realistic, that this is just how a normal life should be, that we not need to remember everything! Maybe, those things are important, but don't really matter. Maybe, I am getting old (that is for sure honey). But wouldn't it be sweet if I can just write down anything about them for our future reference? Because as of this moment, when I look back at my old posts, I never stop smiling reading about Aaron. 

OH. Forgot to tell you. Eve Hawwa is our 3rd angel! She is ermmm around 10 months old. wait. Sorry. Almost 11...Wait. She'll be 11 months old this 6 Nov (whenever that is).

And yeah, I also forget how to write. It took me a while to remember how to construct nice sentences. Ah you can see it already. haha. And I keep on asking 'what's the word.... how to say this' a few times.

And I think too much of whether or not I should keep this thing 'alive' again. What should I write about? Would it be too personal? Would it be too open? But then. I stop thinking and just go for it. We see how it goes and it doesn't matter anymore what I want to share. In the end, let just make myself happy (read: syok sendiri). And maybe see you again next couple of years from now. Haha! 

Till then,

May we always in good hands.

Oh. Let me show you our not so latest photo! 

Bye 

Istanbul, 2015

Zaman memang sudah berubah.

Baru-baru ni I secara tak sengajanya terbaca satu forum tentang marriage life ni. Banyak info yg I dapat and belajar daripada forum tersebut. Disebabkan forum tu bersifat umum, jadi topik2 perbincangannya juga agak general - daripada isu pra perkahwinan (persiapan wedding etc), pengantin baru, family in general, baby dan lain-lain....

Dalam banyak2 topik, I berkanan dengan topik family planning. I perasan tajuk tu menjadi hangat bila ada dua pendapat tentang perlunya merancang keluarga ni. Ada yang bersetuju, ada jugak yang tidak. Kedua2nya mempunyai hujah2 yang baik. Dan mungkin juga apa sahaja pendapat yang kita pegang tu ada sangkut pautnya juga dengan latar belakang kita.

Secara kesimpulannya I lihat mana2 pihak yang bersetuju perlunya family planning ni majoritynya adalah dari kalangan mereka2 yang sudah berumah tangga, and kebanyakannya ibu muda. Mungkin lah kerana faktor2 seperti kekangan masa, keperluan mengurus rumah tangga dan lain2, di mana kebanyakan ibu2 muda zaman sekarang memang mempunyai banyak tanggungjawab samada di rumah ataupun di luar rumah.

Pada pendapat peribadi I, samada merancang ataupun tidak, semuanya terserah kepada pasangan itu sendiri. Cuma yang penting, bak kata Dr. Harlina, SETIAP ANAK MESTILAH DIKEHENDAKI.

Mari kita lihat istilah 'merancang keluarga' dan 'persiapan sebelum mempunyai anak' sebagai suatu yang positif.

Merancang keluarga BUKAN bermaksud kita perlu menyekat kehamilan untuk sekian-sekian lama, atau mengehadkan jumlah anak. Ia mungkin lebih baik jika difahami sebagai mempersiapkan diri dan persekitaran demi kelahiran SETIAP cahaya mata. Itu boleh jadi jika kita belum betul2 bersedia dari sisi2 tertentu, kita boleh 'menangguhkan' kehamilan mengikut cara2 yg telah disyorkan oleh doktor.

Tetapi ia juga boleh jadi sebaliknya, di mana jika kita sudah bersedia, maka kita perlu mempersiapkan diri dan persekitaran agar dapat menjaga diri dan kandungan dengan baik. Itu termasuklah mengambil asid folik sejak sebelum kehamilan, dan mula menjaga kesihatan diri secara serius, seiring dengan doa dan tawakal kepada Allah yang memberi rezeki. Ini juga termasuk para suami kerana benih yang baik datangnya dari suami itu sendiri. Jadi sekiranya anda sudah merancang untuk memiliki anak, suami itu dahulu yang perlu memastikan dirinya sihat dan benih yang bakal disumbangkan kepada isteri adalah yang terbaik!

Biasa terdengar (juga di dalam forum tersebut) hujah paling kukuh untuk tidak berapa menyukai family planning adalah kerana setiap anak adalah rezeki dari Allah. Maka jika kita merancang kehamilan, maka kita menolak rezeki Allah. Siapa kita untuk menolak rezeki Allah?

Satu lagi hujah adalah mengapa pasangan zaman sekarang terlalu suka dengan family planning sedangkan para ibu2 pada zaman dahulu mampu melahirkan dan mengasuh anak yang ramai tanpa gagal? Apatah lagi jika zaman dahulu, ramai di kalangan para ibu tidak bekerja dan si ayah hanya petani, nelayan atau peniaga kecil-kecilan yang bergaji rendah. Mampu juga membesarkan anak sehingga dewasa?

Kedua2 hujah I setuju 100%. Benar, anak adalah rezeki Allah. Anak juga adalah amanah dan tanggungjawab kepada ibu bapa. Jadi, biarlah kita menyediakan yang terbaik buat anak kita mengikut kemampuan, dan mendidik mereka dengan baik. Rezeki yang datangnya dari Allah perlulah disyukuri dan dipelihara. Kerana rezeki adalah nikmat. Tetapi jika rezeki itu tidak dilihat sebagai nikmat, sebaliknya menjadi bebanan, maka adakah kita bersyukur dengan rezeki tersebut?

Sejak di universiti I bergiat aktif di dalam NGO. Banyak isu remaja bermasalah lahir daripada keluarga yang tidak sakinah. Secara logiknya, mungkin tiada ibu bapa yang sanggup mengaku merasa terbeban dengan bilangan anak yang ramai dan kesempitan hidup di tambah dengan masalah suami isteri yang tidak pernah berkesudahan. Tapi I juga mendengar luahan pelajar2 yang sering diherdik, dipukul oleh ibu/bapa dengan kata-kata kesat sambil menyatakan bahawa mereka hanyalah menyusahkan keluarga sahaja. Pernah juga I terdengar ibu bapa yang setiap kali mempunyai masalah akan melepaskan kemarahannya kepada anak2 dan merungut2 di hadapan anak2, sehinggakan si anak tidak ubah seperti bebanan mereka semata-mata. Agak menyedihkan apabila keadaan ibu bapa yang suka marah anak2 di khalayak ramai sambil menunjal kepala dan mencarut di hadapan anak2, walaupun si anak baru berumur sekitar 5 ke 7 tahun. Dan ayat yang saya sudah beberapa kali dengar selain 'bodoh' adalah 'menyusahkan aku saja'. Astaghfirullah...

Mungkin ini adalah masalah sikap. Tiada kaitan dengan perlunya merancang keluarga. Tapi kes-kes yang komplikated mempunyai banyak faktor. Jika kita berharta, mempunyai banyak kemudahan, mungkin anak seramai 5-7 orang tidaklah menjadi masalah. Tetapi bagaimana dengan yang tidak mempunyai pekerjaan yang tetap dan sebagainya? Jadi isu di sini bukanlah semata-mata berapa jumlah anak dan jaraknya tetapi perancangan tersebut bergantung kepada setiap keluarga mengikut kapasiti dan kemampuan masing2. Dan kemampuan itu, hanya kita yang mampu mengukurnya. Ia termasuklah dari segi ketahanan mental, kewangan, masa dan sikap.

Zaman memang telah banyak berubah. Jika dahulu para ibu tidak bekerja dan hanya menguruskan hal rumah tangga, kini para ibu majoritynya terdiri daripada para graduan university dan ramai juga yang berkerjaya. Jangan hanya melihat faktor kewangan sebagai penyebab perlunya perancangan keluarga. Benar, anak itu rezeki. Kita tidak perlu bergaji besar untuk mempunyai anak! Sebaliknya ia bergantung kepada bagaimana kita menguruskan kewangan dan pandai menyelenggara kewangan apabila berlakunya pertambahan ahli keluarga.

Tetapi ada banyak faktor lain yang perlu dipertimbangkan. Zaman sekarang, jika bergaji tinggi sekalipun, kita akan dikenakan income tax. Menaiki kenderaan perlu membayar tol dan mengisi minyak. Mahu makan pun bukan seperti zaman dahulu yang jika tiada apa-apa boleh lihat sekeliling rumah dan petik-petik sahaja ulam yang ada. Rata-rata kos nursery atau pembantu rumah sahaja boleh memeningkan kepala. Itu belum lagi kos pendidikan, rumah sakit dan sebagainya.

Bagi ibu bapa yang bekerja, cubalah kira berapa banyak masa yang kita luangkan di jalan raya, pejabat dan lain2 jika ingin dibandingkan dengan masa yang ada di rumah. Itu belum lagi bagi pasangan yang jarak jauh. Bagi I isu masa amat penting. Lebih2 lagi I sendiri dibesarkan di tangan ramai pengasuh dan amat sukar bertemu dengan ibu bapa sendiri kerana masing2 sibuk bekerja. Suami pula dari baby telah dijaga oleh neneknya. Semasa remaja, teman baik dan penyimpan rahsia2 I bukanlah ibu atau ayah, tetapi adalah rakan-rakan.

Faktor-faktor begini yang sebenarnya menyumbang kepada masalah stress dan menyebabkan kesediaan kita untuk memiliki sebuah keluarga yang besar kadangkala terganggu. Jangankan soal anak, suami isteri juga boleh bergaduh kerana isu-isu kewangan, tugas, tanggungjawab, sikap dan lain-lain lagi, walaupun masih belum mempunyai anak.

Lagipun, zaman sekarang majority kita sudahpun terdedah kepada ilmu-ilmu merancang keluarga, tidak seperti zaman dahulu. Lagipun, tidak semua kita mahu anak-anak kita membesar sebagaimana susahnya kita dibesarkan dahulu, kerana kita tidak mahu anak2 kita merasai kesusahan dan keperitan yang pernah kita alami. Jadi adalah agak kurang adil jika kita ingin menyamakan zaman dahulu dan sekarang sedangkan ternyata sudah berubah.

Itu belum lagi jika dilihat faktor anak2 itu sendiri. Dulu, anak2 sangat menghormati ibu bapa. Jika ibu menjegil mata saja kita sudah tahu kita melakukan kesalahan dan cepat2 membetulkan diri. Kalau nakal lagi pasti akan kena rotan. Sekarang, jika kita jegil mata silap2 anak akan tanya "Kenapa mak, pandang2 macam tu?". Kalau anak remaja sikit, kena tegur sikit silap haribulan tak tegur kita seminggu. Bayangkan kalau memiliki keluarga yang tidak dirancang?

Kemahuan dan keperluan anak juga sudah berubah. Dulu kita seronok bermain tarik upih, galah panjang, atau baling selipar. Sekarang, nak beli mainan baby pun harganya boleh mencecah puluhan ringgit. Itu belum lagi yang mahukan handphone. Internet sudah menjadi kemestian. Kalau kita mahu terlalu menyekat anak, nanti psikologinya pula akan terjejas. Manakan tidak, di sekolah kawan2 yang lain semua bercerita tentang apa yang dia tiada. Janganlah katakan anak, ibu bapa zaman sekarang pun dah sibuk berfacebook dan lain2 kan? :)

Jadi sebagai kesimpulan, merancang keluarga ni perlulah dilihat dari sisi positif. Jika nak memulakan bisnes online pun kita punyai bermacam2 strategi, takkan ingin menjaga amanah Allah yang satu ini kita boleh bersikap sambil lewa? Dan perlulah difahami bahawa merancang keluarga bukanlah semestinya kita mengehadkan anak kepada jumlah yang sedikit. Kita masih boleh memiliki 4-6 orang anak, asalkan biarlah setiap satunya DIKEHENDAKI.

Wallahua'lam...

* Teringat kisah seorang kakak di lab yang sudah mempunyai 5 orang anak, setiap satu jaraknya dekat2. Selepas kelahiran anak ke 5 doktor suruh si kakak ni melakukan IUD atau ikat terus. Paling tidak buatlah implan. Agak marah juga doktor tersebut. Tapi kakak ni rileks je dan cakap, "taknak lah sebab saya nak anak lagi". Walaupun anaknya rapat2, tapi setiap satunya memang dikehendaki :)

Dilema ibu muda # 2

Najihah Azzahra & Aaron Houdd

Bergelar seorang ummi, Alhamdulillah banyak perkara I dah pelajari, samada dari pengalaman sendiri, mahupun dari sahabat2 lain yang se-title. Kalau di UM, bila para ibu2 berkumpul, mulalah macam2 cerita keluar tentang gelagat anak masing2. Lucu2 semuanya. Tak kurang jugak cerita tentang kekangan2 yang dilalui, yang sama2 boleh ambil iktibar dan sama2 saling nasihat menasihati... Alhamdulillah.

Teringat seorang kakak phD yang dah 5 orang anak (termasuk yang sedang dalam kandungan). I banyak bertanya tentang pengalaman dan macam mana dia handle situasi di rumah. Yelah, dengan anak, study, kerja, suami, etc... Katanya, mau jadi tarzan jugak kalau kat rumah tu. Maklumlah, anak membesar sama2, umur pun lebih kurang aje. Masing2 dengan keletah masing2... Akhirnya si ibu la yang menjadi tarzan. Haha. Agaknya bila Aaron Houdd ada adik nanti pun, I akan jadi tarzan jugak la kan. Hehe... 

Sebelum I pos entry ni, I ada bertanya kepada sahabat2 lain yg juga seorang ibu, tentang pengalaman mereka as young moms. Alhamdulillah, masing2 ada pengalaman tersendiri and kalau dikumpul2, semuanya bagi I refresh ilmu2 and skill parenting.

Daripada semua perkongsian yang I dapat, kesimpulan yang I boleh conclude adalah:-

1) Time management. All of the moms tekankan aspek ni. Kena ada plan and preparation so that kita tak la gelabah di saat2 akhir

2)Husband! - anak pun anak sama2, so nak menguruskan anak dan rumah tangga haruslah ada usaha sama dari kedua2 belah pihak. Alhamdulillah, bagi mereka yang dapat husband yang cukup understanding, not very demanding, and even helpful, anda patut bersyukur sebab tak ramai lelaki di luar sana yang berperangai baik begini. As of me, even my hubby selalu busy, tak banyak masa bersama kami, tapi my hubby cukup understanding. Alhamdulillah, I coudn't ask for more. And kepada suami2 di luar sana, sila lah share tanggungjawab mengurus anak dan rumah tangga dgn isteri. Isteri anda bukan orang gaji OK.

And kepada isteri2, jangan rasa segan untuk meminta tolong. Kalau kita minta tolong doesn't mean kita loser. And sometimes kalau suami bersama2 merasa kekangan yang kita rasa, barulah suami memahami situasi kita.

3) Body fitness- Badan kena sihat, supaya kita beroleh tenaga nak mengurus segalanya. Makan kena jaga, and sila exercise (I la pemalas ya amat nak exercise.hehe)

4) Mental/spiritual strength - Semuanya perlu bermula dengan keikhlasan dan keredhaan. You know, like when we redha and ikhlas buat apa yang kita buat, kita tak rasa benda tu seperti satu beban, in fact, kita rasa happy sebab dapat contribute kepada orang2 yang kita sayang.

How to gain kekuatan spiritual, kenalah banyakkan zikrullah, amalkan doa2, and rajinkan diri mendengar kuliah2 agama/parenting. inshaAllah, kita akan jumpa kekuatan.

* Sometimes kalau I penat atau mengada2 malas, I akan cakap ngn my hubby taknak buat something sebab kalau buat nanti tak ikhlas nanti tak dapat apa selain penat. Silap2 dapat dosa... Haha, terukkan excuse I. Tp my hubby tu ada je idea nak jawab. Nanti dia akan jawab "Kalau time2 macam ni awak kuatkan hati n gagahkan diri utk buat jugak, inshaAllah ganjaran nya berganda2. Takkan taknak?" I end up buat muka la apa lagi... Tapi biasanya memang dia akan tak bagi I buat sebab dia tahu I betul2 takde keinginan nak buat pd waktu tu. Hehe.

5) One of my friend Madihah, she shared one info yang orang lain tak sentuh lagi, which is kalau kena hantar anak pergi nursery, make sure kita kena pilih yang terbaik, so that tak banyak maslah timbul along the way, and hati pun tak rasa susah sentiasa, so dapatlah fokus time buat kerja. Biarlah susah macam mana pun, leceh macam mana pun nak memilih, asalkan hasilnya memuaskan.

Other than that, some of the stories membuatkan I muhasabah myself as a mom and as a person.

Like one of my friend Ummi, she's currently residing in Mesir. Melahirkan anak n berpantang juga di sana. Takde family, yang ada cuma suami dan sahabat2 lain. Sama2 masih menuntut. Cabarannya mesti hebat. Dengan kelas, exams, anak, program2 lain. So si isteri dan suami sama2 bergilir2 menjaga anak, juga membahagikan tanggungjawab dengan adil. Tapi Alhamdulillah, sekarang si kecik tu dah 2-3 tahun pun. Tinggal Ummi nya nak bagi adik je tu :D Sekarang pun katanya anaknya dah mula memahami si abi dan umminya sama2 masih pegang buku, sama seperti si anak. She must've doing great all the while. I hope to meet them one day.

One of my friend since matriculation (Shye), seorang career woman. Sometimes ada jugak kami ber YM and bertukar2 info tentang parenting, breastfeeding and child's education. Baby Ameerah pun dah besar dah sekarang dah pandai membebel2. And one precious thing yang she shared with me is that we can't do everything on our own. So jangan segan untuk minta tolong especially from suami. Also, it's good to share apa yang kita rasa kepada gang2 ibu yang lain. Selain daripada dapat release perasaan, untung2 dapat idea2 bernas :P

Baby Ameerah and her wonderful parents. 

My SIL pulak, dia ni kawen awal (Actually tak la awal mana. Sama je usia I kawen. 23). Walaupun dia adalah suri rumah sepenuh masa, tapi maybe cabaran dia is, belum pun  setahun kawen, anak dah lahir. Maksudnya kawen and terus pregnant. So she has to adapt nak jadi isteri and ibu almost the same time. And dalam family my in laws, mereka bukanlah biasa dengan surrounding yang ada anak kecik ni. Aaron Houdd was the only baby. Selama Aaron lahir pun mereka tak berkesempatan nak betul2 belajar tentang pengurusan baby. So my sister in law ni kira fresh jugak la kena belajar everything on her own. So, having a very understanding husband helps her a lot in many ways. And as many other moms, she read a lot too. So Alhamdulillah, sekarang ni baby Najihah Azzahra pun dah masuk 3 bulan, and I can't wait to see my little niece!

Another story yang a bit different is from my ex-collage mate, Hassanah, who at first, was being tested with her sick baby. Her baby had to stay in the hospital for quite long jugak la, hampir sebulan kalau tak silap. Some days, the baby's condition was critical. Baby masuk NICU. And she was so sad she couldn't breastfeed her baby macam yang orang lain buat. Tapi I love her positive aura. Of course kita tau dia mesti amat tertekan, sedih and macam2 lagi perasaan. Tapi most of her FB status were all encouraging- giving herself some kinda hope. Alhamdulillah, sekarang baby dah sihat walafiat. And she said, she see hikmah di sebalik semua dugaan ni. Ye la, disebabkan dia pun c-sect jugak, so even dia tak dapat nak direct bfeed anak, tapi dia dapat more rehat and heal herself even better. Kalau orang lain dengan sakit2 nak kena dukung anak, bangun malam2 buta susukan anak, dia tak perlu buat semua tu. And bila time baby Ihsan dah sembuh, Alhamdulillah waktu tu dia dah sembuh sepenuhnya daripada sakit bersalin. Stok susu pun dah bertimbun2.. See, she really has that positive attitude.

So, itulah contoh2 cerita2 first time moms yang mana each one has different situation, and mungkin cerita dan situasi kita ada tersangkut kat salah satu cerita di atas. But the basic is still the same. Everyone encounter stages of problems, both in marriage and parenthood, but as long as we keep our niat straight, stay focus and most importantly, REDHA dan IKHLAS, inshaAllah semuanya akan OK.

Before I end this entry, I want to share satu link yang sahabat baik I (wafa) bagi kat I as to share to us, the moms, sebagai satu muhasabah yang baik supaya kita lebih tabah dan bersemangat melaksanakan tanggungjawab kita as a wife, mom, daughter, and a human being.

p/s: Walaupun ada 1-2 points yang I kurang setuju, tapi overall it is a good reminder for us all.