My master journey: Among the hardest path I'd chosen (PART 3)

You can read  part 1 here and part 2 here

Only hubby and me. One more ticket for mom tapi dia asthma time ni. We sengaja tak allow sesiapa family member nak datang kalau takat tunggu2 luar sebab nak cepat. haha. Macam tanak konvo je kan.

I went back to Malaysia twice to settle my thesis and study. The first time was just after a few months in Oman, as soon as I finish my drafts for 2 chapters. I didn't take long Alhamdulillah after the hard head start. No choice but to go back to Malaysia to make discussions easier. I then decided to stay until I complete thesis submission.

Sounds nice, but of course the kids followed me. So basically I had to face the exact same thing i.e. a single mom, student, and a thousands miles away wife! But family members were always there to help. I can't thank them enough, really.

I submitted my whole thesis after 2-3 drafts for each chapters. Each one with different corrections from both supervisors. The most challenging part in this phase was always to find agreement between all parties. Hahaha. But that's one life lesson worth to keep. 

For all that I'd been through, I thought my thesis would end up as a piece of crap. How can I produce a Scientific Thesis with a quality like this? I can't imagine how screwed I'd be when my supervisors and all the examiners read my work. 

But Alhamdulillah, I passed with only minor corrections! the correction that I took about less than 3 weeks to amend. 

My baby, and a piece of notes I did during my early years of study. Still keep it.

So now, is the article publication part. UM has the requirement where a Master student must publish at least one article to ISI-listed journals only. And based on my labwork grant, I have to submit to either Q1 or Q2 listed jounals only. For those who's not familiar, scientific journals are divided between Quartile 1 until 4 based on its ranks and Impact Factors, with Q1 being the highest grade (I'm not sure other fields but this applies to most Science and science-related field).

So although I had already submitted my thesis and the internal and external examiners had let me pass, I can't straight away graduate until I have a publication. 

As stated in the regulation, I can't even get my thesis for correction before I send proof of paper acceptance. Since I took almost a year to get ONE publication (Hahaha too bad, not a bombastic research), my thesis was put on hold for that entire time. That's when I multitask ehem.. for another ehem... baby- Eve Hawwa! (^_^)

My supervisor's strategy was to target the Q1 journal first. 3 attempts and all failed, I begged to her to downgrade to Q2 to make my life less like hell. Haha. I promised her to look for a decent Impact Factor (IF) although it's a Q2 (politics mannn, haha. and It worked!). Alhamdulillah, the 4th attempt of paper submission, which was my 1st attempt of Q2 journal was successful. Not so bad huh. Not bad at all. 

Oh butttt... you have to wait for sometimes to get a reply (depending on the journal's prerequisite). It can take up to a month and can even reach half a year or more just for a journal's reply! 

So, I learnt the hard way. After the 2nd failure, I didn't just opt for journals that have good IF, but also how long it'd take to process your submission. Average waiting was 2-3 months for each trial, regardless of the result; accepted or rejected! From my experience, only one of them managed to reply within a month and half. So altogether, almost a year of just waiting for paper and nothing else. 

So for whoever had asked me why I still didn't graduate while I already did nothing (neither do the labwork nor writing my thesis, this is why) 

Another tips for Science student: Always try to submit your paper once you got your result done! 

That's why there's no last minute work dude!

You got your result, do discussion ASAP and you can try to submit a paper. You'd never know how long you'd take to get it accepted.

Mine, I got my paper accepted a week or two before I delivered Hawwa! It felt like I got two babies at once. Haha!

Paper tak best pon nak tepek jugakkkkk. Haha

I emailed my sv asking permission to hold it until I deliver. UM gave 3 months for final correction and since my correction was just minor she didn't worry much.

I flew to Malaysia when baby was around 40 days old. Again I brought my off-spring to be my companion in my jihad, but this time only one- the latest bundle of joy. The other two were left with dear husband. I knew the fact that I can't take a lot of time because husband can't take long leave. I made a dateline to make it maximum 3 weeks, and Alhamdulillah, after sleepless nights and days, we made it within 2 weeks’ time. But I had to wait again till end of the year to graduate (the ceremony). I don't care at all. You know, after all that you've been through, getting things done is the biggest relief.

What a sum up! Haha. ZzzZzzzzz.

So again, is it possible to study (especially the fields that require research and labworks) and being a mommy?

Of course! But please dedicate your time for your study, like what I said in Part 1.

And it doesn't have to take so long like my case. A lot of people (moms) out there have succeeded within the anticipated years. 

Difficult?

Everything we do has its own challenges. To be realistic, yes it's difficult. It takes a lot of courage and determination to do it.

But again, it is not impossible if you want it.

It is my destiny to have this path, to be tested stage by stage, from cutting scholarship before the agreeable due time, changing of research methodology after a year of research and labworks hence the wasted data, long distant relationship with husband, to having health issues. If my life was so easy, maybe I'd not be who I am right now. I may not appreciate hardships, I may not treasure 'Ilm (knowledge) as much as I do now. Indeed, Allah knows best.

I can't thank enough to the people who have helped me throughout the journey. They were indeed the reason I succeed, of course by the wills of Allah.

And I can't deny I had relinquished a lot of my parenting responsibilities along the time I'd taken to finish my study. That's why, in this particular event, Aaron is so special in my heart because he had sacrificed a lot for me. And now that I am a full time Rabbatul Bait, I am so happy to spend my whole time with my family. No regret, in fact, truly blessed! Alhamdulillah.

Carcosa Seri Negara

My Master Journey: Among the hardest path I'd chosen (PART 2)

If you haven't read part 1 yet, Please click here .

Convocation Ceremony, 2015

The early life in Oman was challenging. We were definitely happy to be together, but at the same time the pressure was more intense. So intense that it had affected me and my being. My small family had almost lost my cheerful part in me. The unsettled business was bothering my life!

I made a decision to stop my study half-way after 3 dormant months from thesis writing. I seek consult from my husband and my close labmates. All of them let me made my own decision but they were all a bit bias to wanting me to finish my study. "You were almost there! Just two more chapters to write!" that's what they usually said.

I then decided to just go with the flow. It was really, really hard at first because I need to get myself familiar with all the terms again, get back the writing rhythm etc. The hardest part was always to juggle between being a full time stay at home mom and studying.

Most of the time I read articles and writing up thesis in between chores, play time with Aaron and generally everything else. I even wrote thesis (typing) one hand while holding my baby girl with another hand to nurse her. It was slow and I almost got lost of idea half way. Haha. That time Aaron hadn't yet go to school so you know how hard it was with a 3 years old and a baby in the house. Whenever he demands attention, either one of us would get frustrated. He, because I didn't pay attention to him and just pretending like I was listening while obviously I wasn't, and me because I can't concentrate.

At the same time, I was tested with health problem. I had problem with my left hand, which was diagnosed as Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. I can't barely move my thumb, and can't even move my wrist without great pain! Sometimes my hand would have a 'traffic jam' as Aaron called it, a condition where my nerve suddenly felt stuck, like having a spasm or cramp, with a stiff pain that I normally can't stand but to scream or cry instantly. It got worse in the morning as that's the first thing I had to deal with the moment I woke up. It took me nearly a year to fully recover. So hmmm. And yeah, I am a lefty and I had a toddler and an 8 kg baby to take care of.

Maryam Saraa being my supervisor, checking on my work every seconds, haha

Alhamdulillah sometimes I had my sisters with me. My husband asked for their favors to facilitate my affairs. At least I can have one baby with me and Aaron can play with them. Although you know, kids will always want their mom when they know their mom is around. At least someone can help with simple chores like cooking or washing dishes and did the laundry. They were so helpful they didn't act like a guess and didn't just lock themselves up in the room and play phone all the time. They helped willingly not just based on their mood. In fact, I didn't even have to ask for help! Barakallahu feehunna.

Well, a piece of advice, especially for a MOTHER: PLEASE, if you want to study, please arrange a special time for yourself to study. Make it like an office hour like 9am to 5pm to just focus on studying, or at least half of that time, everyday!

You need that, trust me. In fact, that is your right as a student. You can have the rest of the other time in your 24 hours to be a mother, a wife, or whatever hat you have to put on.

I didn't have that privilege. So I had to have strategies.

Sounds very intelligent.

BUT...I honestly didn't really have any! Hahaha.
Except, just as what I have mentioned earlier. Only, normally on weekend (Thursday and Friday) nights, I would stay up all night to write, and only sleep a few hours after Fajr Prayer, or until my baby needs me.Why? Because my husband was not working on the weekends so at least he can take care of the kids while I took my nap.

That's how I did it. Not fancy at all. Hahaha.

OK. I'm getting too long now. 

Let's continue part 3 here .

My Master Journey: Among the hardest path I'd taken (PART 1)

Two of my sisters are graduating this month! Congratulations. Brakallahu lakuma.

Last year, my other sister and I shared the same graduation year of our Masters Degree. She's in education, I was in Science.

...A celebration I'd rather choose to ignore at first. If not because of my husband who insisted we went back home and attended the convocation, my plan was to go for a vacation nearby, within Muscat is fine, and celebrate it just the 5 of us. It seems not worth the money to just go back for a day event all the way from Oman. But he insisted, reason being, I had worked hard for it, and it had given tremendous impact on our small family- The obstacles, tears, and sweats, the sacrifices, etc.

But Allah had a better plan for us. My husband was given a task in Malaysia for a week, and my graduation day was happened to be on Saturday morning the same week. We flew back to Oman that Saturday night.

You know, I've been wanting to have a special post about my master journey. I've been dreaming to write about everything precious along the journey and mannn I've waited for so long!

Even if I have the highest education certificate the world can offer, I am still a mother and my kids are my priority. 

I've been asked a lot of time how was it possible to be studying and taking care of children, especially towards the end of my Master journey where we were miles away from my school and family and without a helper. All at once. How did I do that?

People around me either think that I am a supermom, or a pathetic (not so) young woman who's trying soooo hard to fulfill her dream (or just say finish what she has started long ago).

But Alhamdulillah, I had positive surroundings and good support. (I chose to stay around positive people actually. Truth hurts, I know)

To say that I had no helper at all is actually not precisely correct. Honestly, I could never in million years finish my study without the help of people around me, directly or indirectly, especially some of my labmates and my own family members. I took care of Aaron in his 1st six month. I took a semester break. His Onni took care of him after that during the time I had to go to school and did my labworks. In the weekends, my husband helped take care of him or all of us would have a party in my lab. And when I was in Oman, some friends helped with the admin stuffs. Ijah, if you read this, I want you to know that I owe you so much! Barakallahu feeki.

During school holidays my sisters will take turn to come over to our house in Shah Alam to play with Aaron and helped me with chores. Having them in the house had made our days (especially Aaron) brighter. At least some one can play with him while I was busy in my own journal-reading world.

During my second pregnancy, I was miles away from my husband for almost a year. Life got tougher without him especially when juggling between motherhood and student life. I had started writing my draft while still doing my labworks (few re-arrangements and last minute changes I can't avoid). And my pregnancy symptoms were really bad. Nevertheless, I still had to go to the lab in the days and stayed awake most of the nights for writing. I slept for about 3-4 hours most of the time. With that and my pregnancy condition, mannn I was over-exhausted.

During the first few months of my LDR with my husband, Aaron was in the phase of weaning off . It was hard, really hard until my dad tak sampai hati and a lot of time asking me to just abort the mission. He was around 2 years and half and I was around 4-5 months pregnant so like it or not, I had to go ahead. I was trying to potty train him as well and I just couldn't take the stress out of it, so I aborted the  potty train mission.

I managed to finish my labwork before I follow my husband to Oman, not long after I delivered Saraa. Husband went back to Oman after paternity leaves and I had to finish my final tasks before following him there. I had post-delivery complication that took me more than an average time to heal. But I did come to the lab for final works, meeting ups and discussions during my last period of confinement. Technically speaking, I didn't really pantang pon

But this time the challenge was harder because I had two children already. I had to be very strict with timing. No lunch break most of the time and straight away home after work. But you know labwork, sometimes it takes a solid 6 hours for just an experiment! And some even take days to get just a result. But yes I didn't go on everyday basis.

Maryam Saraa being my supervisor, checking on my work every seconds, haha

For Part 2, Please click here. Thank you! eceh! ^_^

Aaron: To stay or to change?

Of all the interesting stories to share, and all the happy moments to cherish, I have to apologize to you (whoever is reading this), and my memory (first and foremost) - I am so sorry that I've suddenly chosen to bookmark this. And this is a rather long-winded post as I am expressing my worrisome here. Please leave as soon as you think this is going nowhere. And this time, no silly jokes in the middle (like I ever know how to crack a joke, heh). This is just seriously, serious adult stuff... Err. not that 18SX stuff OK *.^

Of my concern towards my son's education. (Bored already, haha. Bye bye. See you next time)

OK. lets go to some boring history. When Aaron was in Kindergarten year (KG), we were happy with his school and the system in general. Aaron had good exposure in both English and Arabic because in KG years, the system goes by swapping Eng-Arabic class in alternate days. During English-day class, they will go to their English teacher and for the whole day, they'd have English as their main medium of communication in class (with the teacher and throughout their simple routines). It also applied to Arabic-class day, except for English, Science and Math subjects. Due to mixed nationalities, the Arabic teacher will give translations whenever necessary.

First thing in the morning, they would have halaqah for Quran study, whereby the Muslim kids will be taught a few (surah) chapters from Juz' Amma, and they had to memorize them. Alhamdulillah, they passed until Surah At-Teen. They also had basic Islamic Study i.e. the pillars of Islam, a bit about hajj, akhlaq, etc (taught in Arabic, so we have to guide our kids towards the understanding of what they had learnt, but Alhamdulillah it was not so difficult)

Overall, We were satisfied with KG year. We built good rapport with Miss Fatima (her homeroom teacher) and Aaron was happy to go to school. I was not really keen on the homework concept because they were just 5 years old but I can't make big fuss about it since I think most parents think the other way around (more work and homework means more learning and that's good). Well, that's personal preference, nobody's right or wrong about it.

Honestly, we did homeschooling with him when he was younger and his achievement in terms of education didn't quite leap. He'd learnt almost the same things I already taught him, plus more, of course. BUT... I didn't teach him to read ... I was being slacker I let the school do this part HAHA. Well, if I did teach him to read in such a very early age, then he might feel bored at school... or maybe acted annoying, becoming MR. Know it all. I was saving him, man! I was doing the right thing. hahaha Annoying nyaaaa (^_____^)

Anyway... By the time he finished his KG 2 (he skipped KG 1 as it is not compulsory), he still wasn't able to read. I took it as it is, coz for me he was still small, and I know that kids develop interest (and milestone) at different pace. We're fine.

So what had he achieved than?

A lot. confidence, independence, making new friends, learning to tolerate, respect others, etc. In every parent-teacher meeting, 1st question we asked was 'How is Aaron at school. How is Aaron with his teacher and friends'. Because for us, akhlaq matters the most. Alhamdulillah he was popular among teachers for being a good kid (but also as quite a crying baby haha. apa lah hero Ummi!)

All this happiness... changed instantly when he was in Grade 1. The school starts its 'separating system' starting from Grade 1. All expat students (non-arabic speakers) were to be in the same class. (And we didn't know about this earlier!).

So, he didn't have as much exposure in Arabic anymore. Though we're not happy with it, but we understand the school's concern i.e. to make learning more convenient for both teacher and students. However, in reality, things did not go as it is. Our kids were put in an experimental phase whereby they kept changing methods and I later found out that they even have problem to find a suitable teacher for the expat students. Whatttt?! And not only that, the muslim students were expelled from Islamic Study somewhere during mid-term, with the same reason; book is in Arabic, and no suitable teacher that can teach the expat students because they are mostly not fluent in English. And of course I got this info from a teacher there (we became friend), nothing from the management. This, has made us even angrier! No wonder everytime I checked, he didn't have the book. I thought they have to keep the book at school, but then everytime I asked Aaron what did he learn, he said no IS. 

OK that was last year. I have convinced my husband to change school since then. Actually almost all International schools here have the same system i.e. Non-arabic speakers have to take Arabic for beginners, or some even have no long-term Arabic. But there are schools that don't separate the students. Nevertheless, at least no hassle like this. My husband said it is not easy to change school. Plus, something had came up last summer that had changed our big plans, including hajj and school. OK then, we give it another chance. They may have already settle this issue over the summer.

Heck we were wrong. Last 2 days we had a parent-teacher meeting and the same problems were being raised again. Not only from me, but most of the parents there! Even the Spanish mom was very upset that her son is not learning much in Arabic. She even proclaimed that her son's Arabic level is wayyy better when he was in KG. Which, I couldn't agree more!

We first asked whether we can put Aaron in an Arabic-speakig class. Most of the students can speak English very well so I don't see any problem for Aaron to communicate with his friends. And apparently these classes have no problem with their Arabic teachers. I also want him to learn Islamic Study. Yes it would be a big challenge for me to explain to him again to ensure he get the right info but I don't mind at all... But it seems impossible to them, because if not they had already done this last year (We've been asked since Grade 1). 

So. yeah, putting him into Arabic-speaking class is our Plan B. We discussed this with Aaron. Last year, he was OK to change class. But this year, he declined. I understand why. He's already comfortable with his circle of friends. They've been together since last year. Now this is another battle to tackle. Our kid's psychology vs. his best interest. 

But than, what other choices left? change school? Hmmm...

We are quite happy with the other subjects. The homeroom teacher is OK (so far). Aaron is happy to go to school. And we still have to wait until next year (at least next term) due to financial agreement. So hmmmmm..... But husband is thinking about changing school right now. What do you think?

What's so big about learning Arabic and Islamic Study? It is just personal preference with reasons we have in mind. And this school isn't cheap man, they made us pay for it. And we are in a right place to learn Arabic first-hand. So why not? Plus if in the future we have to change country or school, if his level isn't at par with the requirement for that particular Grade, than that would be another problem. 

Really, I am so disturbed by this. And there is reason why I'm writing this here..... Because. Because it is easier to express feeling to nobody and I am tired of acting like a whimper to anyone around me. I don't feel good about it. And sorry again if I have ever made you feel intrigued to read this until the end. Told ya you can leave if you want, but you still want to finish reading? Wow, you must be very patient! *,*

So till then, thank you for reading. May Allah bless you

Assalamualaikum, a comeback entry?

Assalamu'alaikum wbt.

Last posting was 2 YEARS AGO can you believe it? Haha. (Actually what I couldn't believe is that I AM NOW updating my blog...Tadaaaa!)

Been missing blogging so much but no courage at all (and the truth is LAZY) to blog.

I know the fact that nobody really blog nowadays. C'mon, who has time to nagggggggggg nowadays? Everybody prefers tweeting and FBing. But for a person who always naggggggggg like me (oh so annoying ha that naggggggg thing. Stop it!), I think it is better for me to blog rather than nagging on FB and even instagram! (memang mak nenek insta pon caption bebel! haha)

NO. that is actually not the real issue. That was just a bad intro! The thing is.... urghhhh.... I think I need to blog to actually gratify myself. As much as it sounds so pathetic, I admit that sometimes, I lose myself. I lose my perspective. Been busy with the 3 angels and everything else, been sacrificing my social activities with friends and spending most of the time at home, oh I can be insane sometimes! Don't get me wrong, I am totally happy with my life. I am just stating the fact as a perfectly normal adult, sometimes we need other adults that can understand our language and rambles for our own sake. At least if I blog, I can pretend that I am talking to someone. Wei pathetic. haha. Husband must be smiling reading this, hopefully less nagggggging after this kan Sayang? haha.

And Oh, I forget very easily! Never mind about dates and days because that is so typical of me, but I don't really remember when was Eve's first crawl, or her first word, how much weight she (and the other 2) gains, and things like that. Psttt. I've even forgotten what I got for my last birthday! Maybe, I am just being realistic, that this is just how a normal life should be, that we not need to remember everything! Maybe, those things are important, but don't really matter. Maybe, I am getting old (that is for sure honey). But wouldn't it be sweet if I can just write down anything about them for our future reference? Because as of this moment, when I look back at my old posts, I never stop smiling reading about Aaron. 

OH. Forgot to tell you. Eve Hawwa is our 3rd angel! She is ermmm around 10 months old. wait. Sorry. Almost 11...Wait. She'll be 11 months old this 6 Nov (whenever that is).

And yeah, I also forget how to write. It took me a while to remember how to construct nice sentences. Ah you can see it already. haha. And I keep on asking 'what's the word.... how to say this' a few times.

And I think too much of whether or not I should keep this thing 'alive' again. What should I write about? Would it be too personal? Would it be too open? But then. I stop thinking and just go for it. We see how it goes and it doesn't matter anymore what I want to share. In the end, let just make myself happy (read: syok sendiri). And maybe see you again next couple of years from now. Haha! 

Till then,

May we always in good hands.

Oh. Let me show you our not so latest photo! 

Bye 

Istanbul, 2015

A note from The Sultan Qaboos's country

It's been 9 days we are here - away from our beloved country, family and friends.

And here's what I really want to tell:

Following my hubby abroad, giving him chance to groom his career while I, a master student, have to sacrifice on my dream career- being a full time housewife, taking care of the kids and hubby, writing thesis, doing chores, repeating routines, giving in my social life - friends, fav places to hang out, etc... is one very tough decision to make.

and above all, it may seem so unfair. 

But here's the deal. Long distant relationship is full of crap, at least for us. Yeah we never like it and as far as we know, nothing else would content a happily married couple than being together. Together in hardships, sorrow, pain, struggles in life, and also in happiness, joy, laughter. 

An eleven months LDR experience has taught me a lot. It has changed some part of me and my perceptions too. Going down the lane on how I had to struggle being a single mom to my kids was a heartbreaking for both of us. Never will I forget the moment where I had to carry a 14 kg toddler with  high fever to the hospital at 11pm while I was carrying another human being inside me. Waiting in the A&E with few visits to toilet due to morning sickness. Not to forget the moment I had to drive to UM by myself to complete my labworks, each time was so challenging also due to pregnancy symptoms mainly nausea. How was I going to vomit in the forever congested traffic at Federal Highway, and I remember one time I almost got cramped leg while I was stuck in a bad traffic. Not to mention the frustrations of couldn't share the bad news to my most trusted person right after receiving it, never mind to have my head on his shoulders.

And there were my counting days- a few minor surges and false alarm without my hubby by my side. Fighting over the possibility of hubby might not come back during delivery through phone calls, having postpartum complication and again, hubby wasn't around. And more sick kids- both Aaron and Saraa, all without the Daddy, the one we always need to be around.

Even if all those tests didn't appear, the need of a best friend when we were in despair, the touch of  the loved one when we were in pain and the giggles and the face that had budding loneliness when he's not around was killing enough. 

And for me, that is not all. One thing that worried me was the feeling of 'It's OK' that grew bigger day by day. You know, when we used to do things on our own and we deliberately getting used to it, and we think we can handle things all by ourselves. Hah, sometimes it freaked me out cause I sometimes had to ask myself whether or not I still love my hubby. Well of course the answer is yes, but you know, because we rarely do things together anymore, I sometimes didn't seem to bother if he didn't call me even once for the day. Lagi2 lah he was busy and different time zone also contribute to the limitations. I sensed this mostly during our last period of LDR few months before I followed him here. Wouldn't a wife supposed to wait for her hubby's call and if there was, she should be so happy to pick up the call? No? I was the opposite. If I had fast asleep I won't bother a call from him although that considered our first chat of the day. And sometimes during the conversation I can multi task with instagramming, Facebooking, or anything else depending on the time. Wasn't 100% focusing on him. So yes, I didn't like that. I was seen as a bad wife.  

Moving here, I'd left many unsettled things but bring them along to inshaAllah, settle them from here, step by step. Capitulate on my dream career and struggle to finish my responsibility as a student , Only Allah knows how am I going to survive here, what way suits me best, and which direction I will eventually choose. I may have to undergo many obstacles, failures, frustrations, and discouragement regardless of how mature the decision we'd made. But in the end, I know whatever it is, this is my destiny.

So now, we are back together again. I pray to Allah that we won't have to face the same test again, inshaAllah. Being together doesn't mean end of story and everything will go smooth. Our life here has just begun, so that means more upcoming challenges, more tests and more surprises. But as long as we are together, I hope we can handle life as we supposed to do, the best we can.

Thank you for your never ending thoughts, du'a and encouragements. Only Allah can repay all your good deeds.

Maryam Saraa 3months old in this photo. Amik dari instagram je malas nk upload lain.hehe